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Sunday, January 1, 2012

Is the Kia Sportage Worth a Gallon of Piss? I drink a lot of water to find out.

So what we have in front of us is Kia’s newest reiteration of their “crossover” vehicle. Basically a car frame bastardized and fattenend to be “designed for the next level.” (pulled from Kia’s webisite) but really it turns out to be another 4 wheel maytag. Here’s the DL: Real SUV’s use truck frames i.e Tahoe, but since people of the orient are small and have never experienced the gold rush, wagon trail, or winning world wars they are quite unfamiliar building a proper truck frame for a proper utility vehicle.
But then again, its 2012, computers can cover a lot of engineering errors now-a-days. Which brings up the question. Is the Kia Sporatage worth a gallon of piss?
Before we begin, let’s start with a short history of Kia.
KIA was named with an oldest Korean marketing trick in the book i.e overfeeding an autistic child with Alpha-Bits Cereal and whiskey until the child pukes up some letters, which is then used to name the company. In this case, K I and A were ralfed up first. And there is how KIA was named. And they have been making shitty vehicles ever since….
So about the car,

When I first laid eyes upon the Sportage, I felt like I walked into the shitty dregs of a McDonalds with those crap kids playsets.

I could see the multitude of fantastic plastic, giant crush bumpers, crumple zones and airbags stuffed into every steel beam to help from bumping your precious head after blacking out in a Big Lots parking lot on Xanax/Code Red/Vodka cocktails.
(Cup holders? Nope just shitty 'bottle holders'.)
It looks of a swollen overweight suv version of Horton the elephant. Designed must have been pulled from a Little Tykes playset.
The engine bay smelled of model glue and hot plastic. I am used to the smells of grease and motor oil when I pop the hood but I guess that’s not Kia’s style.
“dear god, the poor souls that will purchase this 4 wheel shit brick,” I mumbled.
(Exhaust is just asking to be torn off going over a speed bump.)
I could spill the details regarding the performance, horsepower and other mechanical bits. But if you are looking at purchasing a Sportage you probably looking for something to simply move your fatass blown-out hips and knees to the nearest Rickers station in a semi comfortable fashion.
There you have it, 4 wheels a steering wheel and some other tidbits. My opinion? Find a mid-nineties station wagon and be a badass.


Anonymous said...

"I could spill the details regarding the performance, horsepower and other mechanical bits".
But you won't, because you are a pretentious wannabe who drools after a Benz M Class and have zero power to attain one. But you do have an Internet connection, so that makes you the boss.

Mark said...

Butt hurt because someone doesn't like a Kia? Fuckin-a you have sensitive skin.

What the fuck do you think this website is? You are quite the dipshit if you are looking for real facts about a goddamn Kia on this site. You have internet too! So go fuck off somewhere else.

Dumb anonymous bitches.